Gray Day

I think it might have actually been sunny today, but since I was homebound for the day (I wasn’t feeling well and Allie was fussy last night/today so we stayed home from church in case we are getting sick), but it sure feels like a gray day to me.

I’m still struggling with nursing issues. The short version is that is has been determined (after much, much ado that exhausted all of the lactation consultants’ ideas) that I am not making enough milk. That, combined with the slow let downs I’ve mentioned before, means that Allison won’t nurse. And even if she would nurse, there isn’t enough milk for her. So I am using an electric pump to get out the milk that is there, feeding her that in a bottle, then giving a supplemental bottle of soy-based formula (because we think she may have a milk sensitivity; I am off of dairy, as well). Meanwhile, I am getting blocked milk ducts almost every day (a painful but temporary issue that goes away after a few hours or a few days with heat packs, pumping, etc). All of this means that the nursing struggles continues.

And, as you know, we moved into the house. And by “moved” I mean “dumped all our belongs in boxes and bags and dumped them in the house.” The state of semi-unpacked chaos really wears me down, especially because I usually only have a half hour here or there to unpack things. The house is also lacking in closets and shelves, so until we buy some more furniture or put up shelving, there are many things that can’t find a home yet. Seth helps when he can, but he’s had a lot on his plate with trying to get bids to have a garage built before the snow comes (could be any time!), having the foundation inspected, having a mold issue taken care of (because of a water leak), and many other things in addition to his full-time job.

All of this combines to make me feel pretty down these days. It feels like I’m not doing anything well and that I don’t have the time or energy to improve on anything. Even if I tell myself there is no pressure to get everything put away, we still have to live in the chaos until it is, and that is very stressful to me. Even if I tell myself that it’s okay that I’ve had to start supplementing with formula and that the pumping and blocked ducts aren’t the worst thing in the world, I am still very sad and discouraged about how nursing didn’t work and how complicated it still all feels.

I’m struggling to keep a good attitude and to focus on the blessings. There are many, many blessings. But it’s the hard stuff that seems to hang on both my shoulders and drag me down. I would appreciate prayers for encouragement, health, and hope. I know that I need to be patient and to take it one day at a time (or one hour at a time).