Struggling

It's been a tough day for me; well, actually a tough two and a half weeks. Even though we are loving this sweet girl and enjoying parts of this new life, I have really been struggling a lot. My exhaustion (sleeping for only an hour or two at the most in a row) and my difficulties with nursing have left me very discouraged and down. The combination of exhaustion and hormones makes for one unhappy mommy, even though I know it will get better and that the learning curve in the first few weeks is pretty vast.

Part of the problem is that I've seen so many different lactation consultants through the hospital (maybe seven different people on many occasions) and they all have different advice. I've had to take Allison back to the hospital every few days for weigh-ins to see if she's reached her birth weight. This has been frustrating because she was 8.7 so it's not like she's tiny and she has only ever been a few ounces under. So I can wonder why they are making such a big deal of it and making all kinds of rules for me (You must feed every two hours! Never go more than four hours from the start of one feeding to the next even if you have to wake her up in the night! Pump! Don't pump! Hold her like this! No, hold her like that!). This process makes the perfectionist in me feel like a huge failure, plus I'm just plain exhausted. Have I mentioned that?

I've just been hugely frustrated. I expected the c-section recovery to be hard but instead the breastfeeding has just been SUCH a bigger, more stressful deal than I expected. I'm committed to sticking with it, but it's so hard and I cry all the time about it. I guess I have some “baby blues'” but really it’s not about the baby. It’s about the rest of the mess. Thankfully my mom has been here since the birth and Seth, while back at work, is able to work from home most of the time right now. My mom goes home on Sat. but will be back on and off over the rest of the month.

I know intellectually that it will get better, but I'm SO BAD at finding hope in that when I'm stuck in hard place. Even when I get a bad cold, I tend to think, "Well, this is it; I'll never feel normal or healthy again." It's a pretty bad tendency of mine that I hope to break one of these days. But probably not today because I’m too busy trying to feed my child and get myself enough sleep to stay alive.

I don’t mean this post as a cry for help, but more as a cry for prayers. Please pray that I’ll find hope in the hard stuff and that I’ll be able to get enough sleep to hang in with the ups and downs. Also, prayers for a consistently good latch, less pain during nursing, and longer stretches of sleep would be great. Thanks, loved ones.

Comments

  1. MacFadyen ClanAugust 7, 2009 at 2:05 AM

    Oh Sarah. Again how I wish we were in the same city so we could grab coffee and chat. Please call me anytime 214-476-2639. Since our babies are birthday buddies I feel your pain. I have had my share of emotional meltdowns this week and this is my third rodeo. Those hormones are crazy things. I am sorry that you are getting conflicting advice. I had that same frustration when I had quade. Since I had never done the newborn thing before I got so angry when specialists were saying completely opposite things. I finally stopped listening to the specialists and did what my gut told me to do and what it seemed like quade needed and I was much happier. I will pray for you love ya!

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  2. stephanieAugust 7, 2009 at 8:52 AM

    I'm so, so sorry it's been a tough couple of weeks. I wish there was more I could do to help, but you are in my prayers every day. May God give the strength to dare to hope each morning.

    "Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:21-23)

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  3. The EyesAugust 7, 2009 at 10:37 PM

    thanks for being honest - I would be like you if I were in your shoes. you'll get there and I will pray for everything you mentioned, you're not crazy!

    ReplyDelete
  4. HeatherAugust 7, 2009 at 11:12 PM

    I know I have not commented before but I have been reading.. I had tears in my eyes. I so know how you feel... and it's lonely and hard and suffocating. I remember days and I mean whole days sitting in my chair nursing ALL day long tears running down my face... wondering how this could be life and how it could be so HARD. you are NOT alone... it sucks! but believe me friend there is an end and it will pass. You be the BEST momma you can for your little one. Rest, breathe and scream as loud as you want if it will make you feel better :)
    Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

    ReplyDelete

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